Avoidance, Memories and Acceptance
by beaglesplus7
Summary: When a project of Grace's goes wrong Jo accidently shares an old and very painful memory with Zane. Will they be able to work through it or will it finish them for good.  Post s4e09 rated M for violence, language and sexual content.
1. Avoidance

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own words the rest belongs to SyFy.

AN: A friend and I have been discussing what would have made Jo leave a promising career in the Army, a job she loved, to become the deputy sheriff of a small town. Even if that town is Eureka. For some reason no matter how many different reasons I came up with I always went back to it being a very traumatic event.

This story is rated M for the violence of Jo's memory, language and sexual content.

* * *

Zane saw the car behind him in his rearview mirror finish rounding the corner at an alarmingly dangerous speed. He had to admire the skill it took to maintain control of the car; well he admired it until he recognized the car. "Fucking Lupo, of course she'd be able to drive with the precision of a NASCAR racer." He thought bitterly. He wasn't exactly sticking to anything close to the speed limit on his bike as he headed to work but at the rate she was going she'd quickly either over take him or run him off the road. He figured it depended on her mood. As she passed him on the straight away like he was standing still he caught a glimpse of her face. "Yep she's pissed. Just fucking great I haven't done anything lately." Figuring she was about to cut him off and finally lay into him for something, part of him was looking forward to it. He let out a hiss as she kept right on going, apparently the unspoken agreement they'd had for the last few months was still in place.

Shortly after he'd kissed her in the sheriff's office they had taken to avoiding each other. Both living under the motto "you stay out of my way; I'll stay out of yours." He'd tried once after the kiss to corner her and get some answers but that hadn't gone well at all. The memory of that confrontation still stung and angered him. Sometimes he wished for the good old days when he knew what to expect from Lupo. He'd screw up she'd come after him inflict some damage than throw his ass in a holding cell somewhere. Then she'd changed tactics on him suddenly giving him the benefit of the doubt and even going so far as to have his back a few times. Now she'd switched tactics again any time she saw him she acted like he was a plague carrier come to town, someone to be avoided at all costs. Wherever he was he could be damn sure she'd start heading in the other direction. Anything involving him and a little mayhem and she'd send someone from her team to deal with it. She was acting like he was no longer worth her time and he was getting pretty fucking sick and tired of it. Hell he was actually starting to miss his solitary time spent sitting in one of those cells. The fact that he still hadn't been able to figure out what had happened to "The Five" only fueled the anger he felt towards her.

**Fargo's Office**

Zane had been partially right but pissed didn't even come close to how Jo was feeling at the moment. She was livid and fighting very hard for control over her anger as she stood in Fargo's office confronting General Mansfield. "I fully appreciate how important Dr. Monroe's work is and I understand your interest in it. It is important for military personnel returning home from the war to be able to deal with their PTSD. It's important for anyone suffering from it to be able to deal with it. But I Don't Have PTSD, I'm fine." She was struggling to keep her voice even and professional with the General. _"I sure as hell don't feel like sharing my memories with anyone, especially not that memory. I should just fucking quit this job, I've had enough of these people ripping my life apart."_ Jo thought angrily to herself. It had been difficult but Jo thought she was finally getting to a place where she could move on with her life. She even had days where the heartbreak of what she'd lost didn't seem to overwhelm her. Those few moments of respite where something Jo was coming to crave, then she'd run into Zane somewhere and she'd have to start the process all over again. The General's latest request threatened to destroy all of that for her.

"Last year and I would have agreed with you, but the last several months you've changed Lupo." Mansfield started "You haven't

filed a single report on Donovan in months. The scientists aren't cowering away from you in terror. I'm not the only one that's noticed. You're getting soft Lupo."

"_Shit! What the hell do they want from me I haven't exactly been running around handing out lollipops to the scientists."_ Jo had had enough of trying to figure out who she was supposed to be. It hadn't taken her long after arriving in this new time line to decide she was proud of who she was and she wasn't going to change. She'd already lost too much she wasn't about to let them take who she was at her core away from her too. She'd spent hours combing through old reports and the assessment she'd made of her other self was not something Jo was particularly happy about.

"_A fucking year ago probably would have been a good time to test for PTSD. My other self had some serious anger management issues."_ Jo thought bitterly. She knew she had a hair trigger sometimes on her anger but she'd never been anywhere near as bad as the other version of her. Taking a deep breath she tried again to reason with the General. "Director Fargo and I simply looked at the moral of the employee's and decided to do something about it. Things are a lot less tense around here now. I would have thought that was a good thing."

Mansfield stood study the young woman in front of him. He'd known coming up here it wouldn't be easy to get her to agree to take part in this project, but he was standing by his decision to get her to do so. She was right she wasn't suffering from PTSD but she'd also never really faced what had happened to her. She'd pushed in down deep inside of her and sooner or later it was going to come crashing into her with the force of a ballistic missile. Truthfully last year he wouldn't have even considered doing this to her she hadn't been ready yet. Last year she wouldn't even be here discussing it she'd have told him to go to hell and walked away from her job and Eureka for good. He'd noticed the sudden and dramatic change in her months ago and thought that maybe he was already too late to prevent her from crashing and burning.

Despite the mask she tried to wear even a passing acquaintance could tell that she was suddenly incredibly sad and depressed and the General was far from being just a passing acquaintance. He and her father were good friends and he'd known Jo since she'd been a teenager. After her last mission he'd promised her father he'd take care of her, watch her, and he fully intended to keep that promise now. He had been the one to prompt Sheriff Cobb to offer Jo the job here in Eureka thinking it would be a good fit for her. She needed the challenge, something that would keep her on her toes and not bore her to death. She'd been so angry back then, lashing out violently at any provocation. Everyone feared she'd been walking a fine line between being a productive citizen and turning to a life with a group of Mercenary's. An angry Jo Lupo as a mercenary had been a very scary thought. Eureka had seemed like the perfect solution. Maybe all those near world ending disasters the people around here seemed to be hell bent on creating on almost a weekly basis had finally taken its toll on her. Jo had a will of iron but Mansfield knew he could match it and he fully intended to get his way here. Even if he had to play dirty and pull out the concerned parent routine on her. He'd only done it to her once before but it had worked, she'd taken the job as deputy sheriff.

Mansfield softened the look he was giving her and went from being one military professional speaking to another to that of a concerned friend, more a part of her family than her boss. "I'm not asking you Jo I'm telling you to do this. Its time, even your father agrees with me. Something's wrong and has been for months, don't even try and deny it. You can't spend the rest of your life avoiding this. A person can only take so much, even if that person is you. You never talk about what happened, you just pretend it was no big deal. You do the same thing with everything that happens around here, you shrug it off. How long before you can't do that anymore?"

"_Yes something is wrong but it sure as hell isn't what you're thinking"_ Jo thought sadly. She also knew that for her own sake as well as her friends she couldn't tell the General that. Family friend or not he'd still sanction them all for what they'd done. Duty to country came first, Jo understood and agreed with that. He'd have no choice but to take action against all of them. Feeling defeated and angry she also knew she was probably going to lose this argument or she really would have to quit. Jo wondered what life outside Eureka would be like for her, she'd grown to love this small town and its quirky resident's. Part of her thought it would be easier if she left then she wouldn't have to face the daily reminders of everything she'd lost. Café Diem where she and Zane had had their first date, the sheriff's office where they'd first met, even Global was full of reminders of her and Zane. She also knew from experience you couldn't run away from your memories. She'd tried, that was what she'd been doing when she'd taken the deputy sheriff job in the first place.

The General was also wrong she didn't think what had happened was no big deal, far from it. She lived with it every day, it haunted her and always would. She just didn't wallow in the memory and the guilt, if she did she'd be lost. Of course she thought about it, sometimes she couldn't avoid it even though she desperately wanted to. But she could go weeks without it invading her thoughts. Yes it had been easier to do when she and Zane had been together, then she hadn't been alone at night with only her thoughts for company. _"Now there are just too damn many memories to fight off. Christ, maybe the General's right maybe it is time to deal with this one. I just fucking don't want to."_ Jo felt resentful that this was even coming up right now. She had enough to deal with without dragging up old memories from a past she'd left behind, especially memories that were this painful.

Jo's shoulders slumped a little, she knew she wasn't going to quit and leave Eureka for good. It was her home now, she'd fought hard to make it that. She'd never leave the people she'd come to love as if they were her family. She also knew she wasn't ready to accept a life where she'd never see Zane again. She'd accepted they were over and she'd never have that part of her life back, but she wasn't prepared to never see him again. As painful as it was to have to watch him live his life, a life that didn't include her, she couldn't bring herself to just walk away.

She tried one more time to get herself out of the hell she was now facing "Even if I wanted to do this, which I don't, I can't. The entire mission and everything that happened is classified. You know that, my military record is more black lines of nothing than an actual record of anything I've done. No one here is cleared to be read in on it."

"Dr. Monroe has been given clearance for this." Seeing the surprised look on Jo's face the General continued "Not the whole mission or even what the objective was. But we're not talking about the whole mission here just what happened to you and Sinclair. I've been assured by Dr. Monroe that your privacy will be protected from anyone else in the room. Jo you are going to do this and then the video of your memory is going to be given to a counselor that specializes in this type of thing, and Jo you are going to talk to that counselor. I didn't push before, none of us did and maybe that was a mistake. But this time I am going to push, its time you talked to someone."

"_Shit! I am not ready for this."_ Jo was back to being angry. Anger was a hell of a lot easier to deal with than all the other emotions this was bringing up. She knew she'd lost this fight and she was about to relive the worst period of her life. Right at that moment she really hated General Mansfield and her father, because she was pretty sure her father had a hand in this too. "Fine" She hissed out between clenched teeth "When?"

"Today, before you have a chance to change your mind." Mansfield told her relieved he'd gotten her to agree to it. He watched Jo give him a slight but angry nod then storm out of the office before pulling out his phone and calling her father. He let the other man know she'd agreed, reluctantly but she'd agreed. Both men knew they were about to find out just how angry Jo was with them and that she'd find a way to make them pay for it too. She didn't hold a grudge for long but she wasn't above a little retaliation. They decided they could live with that as long as she stopped sounding and looking like her whole world was falling apart.

**Grace's Lab**

Zane wondered again, probably for the tenth time, why he was here. He didn't have anything to actually do but wait in case there was a problem. It was a complete fucking waste of his time and he was already behind on his own projects. He wasn't the only one standing around in case of a problem Dr. Blake was there too, so was Dr. Monroe's husband Henry Deacon. Although he thought Henry was there more for moral support than anything. Dr. Monroe was worried, worried and nervous. He didn't understand it; sure she was going to be going live with her machine and actually using it on someone with PTSD but so what. As far as Zane knew every test she'd preformed on random scientists and lab techs had gone smoothly why should today be any different. He still didn't know why he fucking needed to be there, if there was a problem shut it down. If they needed him to look at the code after that, which he doubted they would, then fine call him he'd come back. No Dr. Monroe wanted someone there to make changes on the fly if they had to, someone that could easily read the code and fix it quickly. What had she said "I'm only going to get one shot at this, if she even agrees to do it." Hopefully whoever she was she was good looking, at least then he'd have something to concentrate on other than how bored he was. That and wondering what had pissed Lupo off so bad this morning she'd damn near broken the sound barrier driving into work.

He arrived shortly after her, well not too shortly even he didn't take that winding road up here that fast, expecting to find world ending chaos. Instead it had been rather quite when he'd walked in, no one running around trying to stop the planet from exploding or cure a virus threatening to wipe out the town. Yet there had been no mistaking the look on Lupo's face she'd been angry. He'd seen that look directed at him often enough to know it meant she was about to rain down her own personal version of hell on someone. Zane shrugged it off and went back to tapping his fingers on the workstation. Not his problem he hadn't been her target this time, he hadn't been her target in a long time.

Zane looked up when he heard the doors to the lab open to see General Mansfield enter with Jo who looked like she been interrupted on her way to work out. _"Fuck that top leaves nothing to the imagination, no don't go there." _As usual whenever she was around he was having a little trouble controlling the direction of his thoughts. _"Where's the tiny dictator?"_ Fargo usually had his head so far up Mansfield's ass he was surprised the General didn't need to have it surgically removed. Mansfield looked like he always did a tight lipped bureaucrat who hadn't figure out how to pull the stick out of his ass. It was the look on Jo's face that held Zane's attention she looked resentful, angry and defeated all at once. Lupo definitely didn't want to be here for this_. "Now all we need is the test subject to get this party started and then I can actually get my own shit done today."_ Zane thought impatiently to himself. He was completely blown away when Grace walked over and started explaining to Jo what she needed to do.

"_Holy Shit Lupo's the test subject, well that explains the look."_ He thought incredulous that she'd agreed to take part in something like this. It would certainly explain a lot these last several months. If Lupo was suffering from PTSD that would explain her sudden and dramatic changes in attitude. It still didn't explain the ring, nothing about this brought Zane any closer to figuring out how she'd gotten his grandmother's ring. It also didn't answer his question about why kissing her had felt so familiar. Zane was suddenly very interested in what was going on, maybe this had something to do with what had happened to the five of them. He started scrolling through all the lines of code he'd been ignoring up until now.

* * *

"You don't have to do anything Jo just sit in the chair and focus on the memory we're looking for. My device will do the rest and record it. I'll type in a few key words and emotions to help bring in fully into your thoughts. It won't take too long and no one but me will see anything." Grace nervously explained. She had been given a vague briefing on what to expect, although she suspected what little she'd been told didn't come close to telling the whole story. The look on Jo's face spoke volumes Jo had not volunteered for this.

"What if you get a memory other than the one you're looking for? There are parts of my life that I don't want anyone to know about." The look Jo gave Grace let the other woman know she was worried about anything having to do with the time travel coming out.

"Then we'll stop and erase that before starting over. I don't really think it will be an issue if you're already concentrating on what we're looking for. Plus the General provided me with a few key words and emotions he thought would help." Grace answered her gently. She knew this was going to be very hard on Jo and a lab full of people wasn't helping the situation.

"Well I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all morning" Jo replied bitterly as she sat down in the chair Grace had indicated "Why should I suddenly get a break from it now." The tension in Jo's body increased by degree's the longer it took for Grace to get everything in place and start typing away on her computer.

"Jo are you ready?" Grace asked quietly.

"No, just do it and get it over with." She replied her voice was now laced with tension and fear.

"_Shit! This isn't right."_ Zane thought. He was certain Dr. Deacon only meant for Jo to remember something that had happened not relive it like she was actually there again. He didn't know how or why but Dr. Deacon's device was fully integrated and connected with Dr. Harris's across the lab. Dr. Harris was working on making it possible for someone to fully re-experience something from their past. They'd be able to feel everything emotional and physical all over again, smell every scent, and hear every sound. It was meant to make the person believe they were actually there. For someone suffering from PTSD that was not good. Zane called out explaining what was going on. This got Dr. Harris's attention and he came running across the lab but it was too late Grace had hit the computer key.

It only took seconds for the room to be filled with an ear piercing scream of horror and pain. Whatever was happening in Jo's memory she was being violently and painfully hurt. Her entire body had risen and tensed in protest from it.

"shut it down now!" Mansfield yelled.

"Don't touch her and for the love of God Don't turn it off." Dr. Harris yelled back "There's no telling what kind of damage you'll do to her mind if you do that."

The screaming had momentarily stopped and Jo was yelling in a language Zane didn't recognize. He got the gist from her tone though someone was going to pay dearly. Then the screaming started all over again. _"Fuck this! It will take too long to fix this shit."_ Zane thought as he reached inside a bank of equipment to bring the whole thing to a crashing halt. _"Whatever in the hell is going on inside her head Lupo doesn't deserve to have to relive it."_ No one did from the sound of it. As he grabbed a hold of a circuit board a spark came off the equipment then Zane's scream started echoing Jo's.


	2. Memories

**Memories**

**Grace's Lab**

Zane didn't believe in God but he was definitely praying to be allowed to blackout or die. He'd never felt pain like he was feeling now, it made it impossible to think all he could do was focus on the pain. Then suddenly it receded it was no longer mind numbing but Christ every part of him hurt. He was pretty damn sure his ribs were broken, his feet felt like they were on fire and every muscle was screaming and twitching in protest from what they'd just been through. He could see two men standing in front of him one of them holding something in his hands and looking like he was thoroughly enjoying himself, the other taller one yelling angrily at him in a language he still didn't understand. Zane was pretty sure it was the same language he'd heard Jo talking in. Then he heard her voice and he could feel her fear, rage, sorrow and pain. He still couldn't understand what she was saying but words were floating through his mind "Get free, kill you." That's when it hit him _"Shit I'm stuck inside Jo's mind. This isn't happening It's her fucking memory."_ The knowledge didn't help, to him it was like he was actually going through the experience himself. Everything just felt so real to him, too real. The smaller man advanced at him and the pain started all over again, he couldn't help it he started screaming. Now he could smell burnt flesh _"Holy shit they're electrocuting me no her." _

The pain receded again and breathing heavily he started to look around the room. He saw another man with an army Ranger tattoo on his arm, arms that were bound above his head. He was hanging from the ceiling dead. He could feel Jo's grief for the other man and her guilt, she thought his death had been her fault. He felt the Sorrow and guilt get forcefully pushed back and rage take over. Her rage was like a living thing all on its own, it consumed everything all of her other feelings and the pain. It made her numb to everything but her hate for the two men in front of her. The rage scared the hell out of Zane he'd never felt anything so strongly. The tall one was still asking her questions but Jo had switched back to English just "Josephina Lupo, Lieutenant, 555111888" over and over name, rank, and serial number. Somehow Zane knew it was over for now they were giving her a break, they didn't want her dead like the other guy at least not yet. The taller man turned to leave and Zane could hear Jo taunting the man in his own language _"Christ shut the fuck up Jo!"_ but she couldn't hear him. Angry the man turned around and brought the butt of his rifle down hard across her arm, he felt the bone break and cried out again.

In part the fact that Zane could tell what Jo was thinking was freaking him out but part of him was clinging to it like a life raft, the only thing keeping him sane. She was eerily happy the other man had left and she was now alone with the one that had been causing her all the pain. Jo was speaking again to the man in his own tongue and when he moved towards her Zane felt the effort and pain as her legs swung up around the man's neck, the jerk of her legs and heard the snap of bones. Then it felt like his shoulder was being dislocated as she used the man as leverage to release her arms from where she'd been hanging landing on her feet. The pain that ran through him when she landed was immense, he needed her to sit down and get the hell off her feet.

All of a sudden he felt like his brain had just been shoved very violently but the scene changed and he was looking at the jail cell in Carter's office, actually he was looking at himself in the jail cell passing a box to her through the bars. but there was something off he didn't look quite the same. He looked happy and kind of nervous… He could feel Jo's sadness and love.

* * *

This memory wasn't like any she'd ever had before. Jo could see, smell and feel everything. It was like she was still there like she had never left. She was terrified, angry and in pain. Jo felt like she couldn't breathe, this time the memory was suffocating her. Oh God the pain, she needed to make it stop. Jo focused on the room, a room she'd never forget dirt walls and floor; no windows; old dried blood everywhere. It smelled like death and Jo knew she and Sinclair hadn't been the first guests there. Something was wrong though she felt someone else there, someone that didn't belong. She tried to focus on the fifth person, she could see the two men that had interrogated her, could see Sinclair across the room dead. "_Who the hell else was there?"_ Had she missed someone back then? She knew the man was confused, afraid and suffering, had she left someone behind. Shit she didn't need any more guilt over what had happened. Then she heard it like a whisper through her mind _"Christ shut the fuck up Jo."_ It was Zane's voice what the hell was Zane's voice doing in her memory.

He was there, Jo could feel him now and knew he was the other person in the room with her. She began to panic she didn't want anyone to know about this, especially not him. Something had gone wrong. This was bullshit she'd never shared this with anyone not even Zane and she wasn't going to do so now. Not when this wasn't even her Zane. It took everything she had in her but Jo began to fight against the memory. She needed to get Zane out of there not only for herself but for him too. No one should have to live through this and she was determined to protect him from it.

Her head felt like she was splitting it in two but with a force of she hadn't really been sure she had the scene changed and she was standing in the sheriff's office looking at her Zane right before he'd proposed. It didn't last long only a couple of seconds then she was once again back in the present in Grace's lab. Someone had finally shut the damn machine off.

Allison rushed over to Jo while Henry ran for Zane. Jo angrily brushed Allison aside as she stood up. She was drenched in sweat and not feeling too steady on her feet but she turned to see Henry and Dr. Harris helping Zane sit up. He looked shell shocked and horrified, she doubted he was even aware where he was or that anyone was there with him. _"Fuck I've had enough of this and now I get to spend the night babysitting him."_ All Jo wanted to do was go home alone and start downing shots of ouzo until she passed out and the memories once again went away. The steel in her voice when she spoke left no doubt that anyone that tried to interfere would be doing so at great personal risk "Back off! I'll take care of him. The last thing he needs is everyone talking to him at once, just leave him be."

Jo let the anger fade away from her face as she made eye contact with Zane. She looked at him with concern, pity and understanding as she walked slowly over to him and held her hand out. She spoke quietly and gently to him "It will be alright come with me Zane, please." He took her hand and shakily stood. Jo led him out of the room neither looking at or saying anything to the others as she left. She hadn't needed to the quiet anger vibrating off of her was a tangible thing they could all feel.

**Zane's Apartment**

Zane was home, he couldn't really remember going home but that's where he now found himself. He had a brief recollection of stopping somewhere and Jo telling him to wait for her. He'd started to panic when she'd left but then she'd come back and now they were here. If she had said anything else to him between Global and here Zane couldn't remember what it was. He wasn't in pain anymore but the memory of what he'd felt was still there threatening to overwhelm him. He couldn't get the images of everything Jo had gone through out of his head the scene just kept replaying itself over and over again . _" How had she survived it, what I went through hadn't even been real and I'm not fucking sure I can survive it."_ Zane thought to himself.

He felt her gently guiding him to his desk where all of his various projects were sitting in separate piles. "Which one of these is the most difficult thing you're working on?" Jo asked him quietly. Zane indicated a stack and she picked it up handing it to him as she pushed him down into his chair. "Ok work on this, just let yourself concentrate on this. It will help." He still wasn't capable at the moment of making decisions for himself so he sat down and tried to do what she'd told him. It was a struggle for him to even get his mind to register what it was he was looking at but little by little it did and he let himself get lost in his work. It didn't completely stop the images from coming but it did help, occasionally he would flinch from remembered pain or fear.

He sat like that for hours only vaguely aware of what was going on around him. He knew Jo had been moving around the apartment for a while before finally settling down to sit on his couch. Every time she'd gone near his front door Zane had felt a moment of panic that she was going to leave him alone, but she'd stayed. She'd made him something to eat earlier surprising him with a fried bacon and peanut butter sandwich. If he had been fully cognizant of what was going on he would have wondered how she'd known to make him that, it was one of his favorite comfort foods. But it hadn't even occurred to him to do anything with the sandwich until she'd quietly told him to eat.

He was tired, he rubbed his eyes that were starting to strain and yawned. He wanted to lie down but was afraid of doing anything that would break the calm he'd found. He went back to reading the chronology of events he's complied on Jo and her friends. Every little detail he knew that had happened to any of them since Founder's day was there. When he got to the part about Jo having a bullet in her chest without even having been shot a picture of the man swinging his rifle at her, breaking her arm, flashed through his mind and he started to hyperventilate a little. He felt Jo come up behind him and start rubbing small circles on his back between his shoulder blades, telling him to relax and take deep breathes.

Once he could breathe again she gently took the data pad from him and set it down on his desk. In the quiet and calm voice she'd been using on him all day she told him "Go to bed Zane, not sleeping won't help it will just make things worse and you tired." He stood up and began walking towards his room when he stopped and looked back at her with worry. "I'll be right here" she told him before he could even voice his concern. Zane turned back around and headed for bed.

* * *

Jo let out a sigh thankful she was finally alone in the living room. Zane needed her help she knew that and she was more than willing to give it to him. But it had made things more difficult for Jo to deal with. Not only had she been forced to remember the most horrifying moments of her life, she'd had to relive it live and in Technicolor. The fact that Zane had shared it with her made the whole thing a thousand times worse and just that much harder to put behind her. She'd always kept this separate from her life in Eureka making it possible for Jo to maintain some much needed balance. She had known when she'd first come to Eureka that if she was going to be able to carve out a new life for herself here she had to keep it separate from this. To do otherwise meant Jo would have run the risk of forever slipping into the depression, anger and guilt she always felt about what had happened.

Jo thought about Zane asleep in the other room and glancing at the clock wondered how long she had before the nightmare hit him. She knew from experience that it would and all she could do was wait and be here for him when it did. She thought back to the first time she'd had the nightmare with her Zane around. He'd asked her about it worried for her, but she had just shook her head no and slipped out of the bed they'd been sharing. She'd spent over an hour that night pacing around her house before finally going back to bed to try again to get some rest. Jo had expected Zane to have fallen back to sleep and was surprised to discover he'd simply laid there waiting for her to come back. He never said a word to her just wrapped his arms around her and held her while they both fell asleep together. After that anytime she had the nightmare he'd dealt with it and her the same way. He'd let her go off to be alone and simply wait for her to come back to him so that he could hold her. Only once had he ever told her "When you're ready to tell me you will." Never once did he push her for answers she wouldn't give. She didn't for a minute think she'd be that lucky now, when this Zane came out of his state of shock he'd have questions. It was only natural that he would considering everything. She just didn't think she'd be able to talk to him about it anymore than she had anyone else.

Jo glanced around the room and faced the other memories that had slammed into her when she'd brought Zane home. His apartment looked almost exactly the same as she'd remembered. Only the color of the couch had changed and the free weights now sitting in a corner. This Zane wasn't any tidier than hers had been and she's spent a good portion of her time cleaning the place up. The routine had felt so normal and familiar to her that she'd latched on to the task to keep herself from completely going over the edge. She hadn't been able to let herself fall apart yet. She had wait until Zane was capable of taking care of himself and she could be alone. So just like she used to do whenever they'd spent time here Jo had picked up after Zane unable to take the general messiness of the place. She now paced around the small space feeling edgy, she really wanted to leave but knew she couldn't at least not yet.

She'd made two mistakes today and the price she was paying for them was high. The first was agreeing to General Mansfield's request. It was how she found herself now having to take care of Zane instead of being able to go on avoiding him. The second was using Zane's small bathroom to clean up and take a shower. When the realization hit her that it had been the first time she'd ever been alone in that shower the feelings of loss had almost overwhelmed her entirely. _"So much for getting on with my life"_ Jo thought sadly. She wearily laid down on the couch closing her eyes and waited not only for her own nightmare to come but Zane's as well.

* * *

It didn't take long, Jo felt as if she'd barely gone to sleep when she was awoken by the sounds of Zane thrashing around and calling out. Silently she got up and padded over to the kitchen to get a couple of spoons and the pint of ice cream she'd stopped to buy on her way here. She was just going back into the living room when Zane came crashing out of his bedroom a slightly wild look in his eyes. He scanned the small space until he found her and stalked over to her. She simply held out a spoon and the ice cream.

"Is this what you do eat to get through it?" Zane asked incredulous

"_Ok good he's finally out of the shock stage."_ Jo thought. She shrugged and said casually "No I usually go for a couple of shots of something but you're not really a drinker so in a pinch." She handed him a spoon and walked over to the couch with the pint and her own spoon. She really wasn't looking forward to the next few minutes but at least now she could finally go home and deal with everything on her own.

"Right now I'd consider doing those shots. " Zane watched her walk away and sit down. He noticed that she'd changed clothes, not just changed but was actually wearing some of his. She had on one of his button down shirts it was hanging loosely around her falling to mid thigh, she also had on a pair of his old sweats too small for him but still way too big for her. It irritated him that she managed to look both calm and sexy sitting there waiting patiently for him to join her. He flopped down on the couch next to her, he was angry at Drs. Deacon and Harris, at Jo and at the world. Right now the only one available to direct that anger at was Jo but he didn't have the energy for it really. So instead he started asking her questions doubtful she'd answer them. "When?" he snapped out

Jo knew what he meant "That was my last mission after that I came here." She resented having to talk about it but thought if she kept it general she might survive it.

"Who was he?" He'd felt her sorrow and grief over the man's death and wondered if he had been someone Jo had been close to. The though made Zane a little jealous.

"His name was Jared Sinclair, he was a sergeant in my unit. He was my responsibility, it was my job to make sure he came home." Jo told him sadly, remembering the smiling jokester that used to go the extra mile to keep the morale of everyone else up. "He was my friend." Jo felt the now familiar guilt that settled over her whenever Sinclair was mentioned.

"How long were you there Jo?" Zane ran his hand through his hair a little afraid of the answer she would give him, two seconds was too damn long for him.

"I don't know two maybe three days. It's hard for me to say things were a little…." Her voice trailed off unable to finish the sentence. She didn't need to he understood exactly what she had left unsaid.

"Fuck Jo how in the hell did you end up there in the first place?" Zane growled out. Jo shook her head no and stood up taking the now empty ice cream container into the kitchen to throw away. Zane got the message the conversation was over, she'd talked about it as much as she was going to. At least with him, but he suspected she'd talked about it tonight more than she ever had or would. He watched her come back into the living room and head straight to where her clothes were neatly folded.

Using her hand to indicate his front door she told him "Go back to bed Zane, it should be alright now, you'll sleep through the night. I should go home."

For some reason this angered Zane more than anything had over the past several months. He knew that once she walked out that door she'd go back to avoiding him, hell she'd probably start focusing all of her energy to the task. He was thoroughly sick and tired of the avoidance game they'd been playing lately. Abruptly he stood up telling her "No!" He quickly covered the distance between the two of them and swept her up into his arms.

"Zane, don't put me down." Jo started

"Shut up Jo, Just shut the hell up. I need to hold you" no too personal "I need to hold someone. I need to know there is another living breathing person in that room with me tonight." He expected her to pull some move on him landing him on his ass while she freed herself. Part of him was looking forward to it. He felt edgy and out of control and a fight with her might help relieve some of his tension. It would also mean she wasn't as in control as she looked, her calm demeanor was grating on his last nerve and he wanted to see it snap. He wanted to know she was as human as the rest of them, the fact that she was so capable of controlling her emotions had been fucking pissing him off for months now.

He was taken aback when she wearily nodded her head yes letting him carrying her into the bedroom and lay her gently on the bed. "_Christ she'll probably be gone as soon as I fall asleep."_ He thought bitterly but she surprised him yet again when she kicked off her shoes, pulling her hair free from its band and rolled over on her side facing away from him. Message received again, sleep only. Zane crawled into the bed next to her and pulled her into his arms spooning with her.

Quietly he asked her " Jo what happened to those two men?"

Her tone when she replied was icy cold and laced with steel "They're dead. Go to sleep Zane."

He had no doubt she'd kept her vow and killed them herself "Good." He whispered back burying his face in her hair now laid spread out across the pillow.

"_I deserve this, it's a mistake but I damn well deserve this."_ Jo thought to herself. She just wanted one more night were she felt comforted and protected against all the memories. One last time of simply being held in his arms then she'd go back to dealing with everything herself. _"One more night then I'll go back to accepting we're over."_ She just wanted to pretend for a few hours that nothing had changed.

They both fell asleep for the rest of the night.


	3. Acceptance

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own words the rest belongs to SyFy.

* * *

Zane woke up early the next morning, the sun was just starting to rise. He propped himself up on his elbow and contemplated the woman sleeping next to him. She looked so peaceful and so beautiful "_Damn she's Hot"_ even in those moments when he thought he hated her he'd always acknowledged she was the sexiest woman he'd ever seen. Her beauty was something that would punch him in the gut and take his breathe away every time he saw her. He wanted her, he wanted her just as much now as he had when they'd first met. No Zane corrected himself he wanted her more now. He thought back to when he'd arrived in town, the moment he'd seen her he'd desired her. But things had gone wrong from the start. He'd been angry over being sent to Eureka and she had seemed a handy target for that anger. He'd say something to piss her off, she'd retaliate. So it had gone on a vicious cycle escalating until there was nothing left but for the two of them to be adversaries.

But maybe that wasn't how things had been, maybe his memories of things had been messed with. Was that what had happened? Or maybe it was her memories that were off, but that wouldn't explain how she'd gotten the ring. Every time he thought he had it figured out the ring would blow a hole in his line of thinking. Everything had shifted on him starting Founder's day when Jo had come into the sheriff's office accepting a marriage proposal he hadn't made or at least he hoped he hadn't made it. Because if he had that meant two things: One somehow his life and his mind had been screwed with and two she obviously hadn't cared enough to fight to get them back together. It was the possibility of the second thought that angered and hurt him the most.

But that wasn't quite right either she did care, she'd proven that yesterday. She could have simply let Dr. Blake take him to the infirmary until he'd come out of his state of shock, but she hadn't. Instead of going off to lick her own wounds in private, something knowing Jo she would do rather than allow anyone to see she been affected, she'd brought him here and taken care of him herself. She'd shoved aside anything she might have needed for herself yesterday to provide him with what he had needed. What had she said to him the day she threw the ring at him, they didn't fit _"Bullshit, we do fit" _and she damn well knew it as well as he did.

He had all the pieces he needed to be able to figure out what had happened, he knew it. But there was one piece of the puzzle that he couldn't get his brain to latch on to. Deep inside he knew that one piece was the most important one, the one that would finally complete the picture and tell him everything he needed to know.

He looked at her again, a small smile on her face. She looked like she didn't have a care in the world. He wondered how she managed it. The memory of what she'd been through rose up in his mind, but he shoved it aside. He couldn't deal with it, but he admired her for doing so. Zane didn't think that if it had been him he would have been able to handle it much less go on to live a normal life. But she had, somehow she'd found the strength to do just that. He had no illusions that it had been easy for her or that there weren't times it came back to haunt her. But she had gotten through it, knowing her she'd done it without any help too. It certainly explained her need to control every aspect of her life, it also explained why she was so quick to let her temper take over. He'd felt it yesterday, the rage was the only thing that had allowed her to keep going. One thing he'd learned Jo Lupo had more strength inside her then anyone he'd ever met.

He felt Jo stir next to him beginning to wake up. The second she was fully awake she'd be up and out the door so fast it'd leave his head spinning. Zane instantly made a decision, he had her in his arms where he wanted her and he had no intention of letting her go. When confronting Jo he knew he'd have to sneak up on her, if she sensed an attack coming she'd instantly deflect it and the battle would be lost to her before it even began.

The second her eyes opened Zane shifted their position rolling her on her back trapped between the bed and him. He brought his mouth crashing down on hers hard and insistent putting all of the hunger he felt for her into the kiss. His body was tense waiting for her to shove him away but she responded instantly to him and he nipped at her lower lip with his teeth demanding entrance. Her willing compliance only fueled his desire. He trailed a line of kisses and bites across her jawline and down her throat, loving the taste of her. Zane brought his hand up between them cupping her breast and worrying the nipple into a hard peak. She arched her back up into his touch and suddenly he wasn't close enough to her. He knew she felt the same way when they hurriedly began to divest themselves and each other of their clothing, the offensive material separating them disappearing quickly. The sight of Jo laying on his bed fully naked took his breath away, none of his fantasies had come close to preparing him for the reality.

He brought his mouth back to hers their tongues warring with each other. Zane knew this wasn't going to be slow and leisurely, the fire burning between them was too intense, the need for each other too much for that. He fought for control of his hunger, she wasn't as far along as he was and he desperately wanted to get her there with him. But her hands were everywhere driving him insane with a stroke here a caress there, her mouth alternately kissing and biting him everywhere that was guaranteed to send him over the edge. Zane froze, she was touching him with the confidence and knowledge of a longtime lover while he was still exploring and learning her body.

Some of the anger he felt towards her returned. More proof, this was just more proof that there had been something between them. Something judging from the way she was making love to him told Zane it had been incredibly passionate. He grabbed her hands and brought them above her head pinning them to the bed with one of his. He looked at her intently the desire showing in his eyes was now tinged with frustration. He felt her push against him to free herself and he couldn't quite keep the anger out of his voice as he huskily told her "let me have this Jo. Apparently I have some catching up to do. I want, no I need to learn your body as well as you seem to already know mine. Let me."

He waited watching her, almost drowning in her eyes, eyes that were now dilated with passion. His anger evaporated the instant he felt her relax beneath him. She'd just given him something very precious by surrendering herself completely to him. She was showing him that she trusted him. Zane's free hand shook slightly as he began to slowly touch her exploring her body, cataloguing every moan, every intake of breath, every sigh of his name she made for future reference. He had every intention of making damn sure he got to use his new knowledge of her often.

The hard grip of control Zane had on his own need for her was rapidly slipping away as he watched her, eyes now closed writhing in pleasure from his touch. He felt her body tense and knew she was ready for him. "Look at me JoJo, I want to watch your eyes." He demanded of her as he released her arms and entered into her. She opened her eyes and wrapped her legs around him instantly matching the quick hard rhythm he was setting. He felt her shatter and heard her calling out his name only moments before he called out her name and joined her. He collapsed on top of her, kissing her deeply he rolled them over so that she was laying on top of him instead of being crushed by his weight. The last thought that floated through Zane's mind before they both succumbed to a contented but exhausted sleep was very possessive _"You're mine JoJo and I'm not ever letting you go."_

* * *

Jo woke up an hour later and knew she'd just made another huge mistake. An incredibly pleasurable mistake that a large part of her wanted nothing more than to make again. She slowly crawled out of bed being careful not to wake Zane, she needed to get out of there quickly. The lines between the man now sleeping in the bed and the one she loved where too blurred for her to be able to sort them all out with him around. There were still differences, the differences were evident in what had just happened. She and Zane had always been very passionate in their sex life but this had been more intense, edgier. Jo was sure that it was due in large part to the fact that this Zane was harder, more angry with the world.

She was upset with herself for having lost all control of her emotions. One touch from him and she'd completely forgotten she was supposed to be moving on, all the walls and barriers she had put up to protect herself and her heart had crumbled. She wanted to blame him but knew that she couldn't, she'd wanted him just as much as he'd wanted her. She could have stopped it at any time, but she'd allowed her need to dispel the loneliness of the last few months override her sense of self preservation. Angry with herself Jo went into the living room to get her clothes, she needed to take a quick shower then run away. For once in her life Jo was going to allow herself to be a complete coward and run away.

She let the hot water pour over her as she tried to get her emotions under control. She reminded herself that every time you blinked this Zane was with a different woman. Although her conscience whispered to her she hadn't seen him with anyone since he'd broken things off with Zoe. Something he'd done quickly after kissing Jo in Carter's office. _"No he's a player, you've seen it for yourself. You're nothing more than the latest in a long line of women and you need to remember that. He is not the man you're in love with."_ Jo told herself angrily although she was no longer so sure the last statement was true.

Christ she'd just put herself at a distinct disadvantage when she had to deal with him in the future. She'd proven twice now, not only to herself but to him as well, that one touch and she'd melt. All resistance to him gone in an instant. Even now all she really wanted was to get back in bed and do to him what he'd done to her earlier, drive him completely out of his mind with need. She still couldn't quite believe she'd given him complete control like that. She'd never done that before not even with her Zane. She didn't need to be the one in control but she'd always been much more comfortable with a mutual give and take in bed. She didn't know what had possessed her to do it but she couldn't lie to herself, she hadn't hesitated to comply with all of his demands for control both spoken and silently communicated.

She ran her hands through her hair. The last twenty four hours had been a roller coaster ride of one bad decision after another and she desperately wanted off. She brushed a tear away impatiently as she stepped out of the shower to get dressed. If she was going to finally break down she'd damn well do it at home not here with him.

* * *

The instant Zane woke up he knew he was alone in the bed. He opened his eyes and saw Jo across the room getting dressed. She was pulling her top over a purple silk bra, one that he recognized instantly as one he'd bought her. _"I don't think so sweetheart."_ Zane thought as he jumped out of bed and pulled on a pair of sweats. "going somewhere?" he asked Jo aggressively as he crossed the room to her.

Jo whirled around surprised he'd been able to sneak up on her but she'd been lost in her thoughts. Not fully meeting him in the eye she responded "Yes, it's time I went home. I have…I have things I need to take care of."

Of course she wasn't going to make this easy, well if it was a confrontation she wanted it was a confrontation she was going to get. If Jo managed to get out of the apartment before they'd worked things out Zane knew it'd be months before he would be able corner her again. There was no way in hell he was going to go another couple of days with her avoiding him much less months. Glowering at her he ground out "God Damn it Jo I've had enough. Perhaps you'd like to explain to me exactly why it is you seem so hell bent on pretending there's nothing between us. I'm done with you avoiding me, us."

He was angry, fine angry Jo could do, angry was safe. She looked him fully in the eyes this time her tone matching his. "What us? We both had a horrible day yesterday and we slept with each other to deal with it, relieve the pressure. That makes it sex not a relationship. I know for someone like you it might be difficult to distinguish between the two."

"Bullshit, that's complete bullshit and we both know it. Nothing about what happened between us this morning was about blowing off steam." He yelled back at her, then taking a deep breath continued a little more calmly "We wanted each other we always have, it's that simple. I knew exactly what I was doing this morning and it was all about having a relationship with you."

Jo was taken aback by what Zane had just said. "We can't, too much has happened. Everything's different, we…we don't fit." Jo said not really sure she even believed what she was saying.

Zane ran a hand through his hair Frustrated with her 'Is that what you tell yourself to justify everything, that we don't fit?" He walked over to his dresser and yanked open a drawer, he reached in and grabbed a hold of something. Turning back around to face her he held his grandmother's engagement ring up between them. "What about this? Did we fit when you got this?" He walked back over to her practically shoving the ring into her face. "What, did you feel relieved when you suddenly found yourself out of the relationship. Are you happier now, now that you managed to escape making such a big mistake? God knows you wouldn't want to have to spend the rest of your life attached to a felon, the resident troublemaker. How lucky for you that whatever happened to you did so before there was an actual wedding." He finished sarcastically. He was suddenly drained he didn't know how to get through to her.

Jo however felt her temper snap "Is that what you fucking think, screw you! Never once have I given a damn about your past. We both know compared to what I did your hacking into the DEA was child's play. I took two lives because I wanted revenge and I damn well got it."

"Jo you had no choice, you…"

"Shut up, just shut the hell up I'm talking now. " She snapped out "I'm so sorry that when I got back to Eureka and suddenly found everything in my life had changed I didn't deal with it the way you think I should have. That I didn't know how to handle the fact that you weren't you anymore. That the relationship I'd been in for over two years had never even happened. Am I happy no, but I got the message it was never meant to be." Judging from the stunned look on Zane's face Jo knew she'd let her temper get the better of her and said too much. She leaned her head against the wall and closed her eyes _"Shit."_

An Image quick but vivid flashed through Zane's mind of a him that wasn't him standing in the jail cell handing Jo a box. A box he knew from Jo's memory had the ring in it. The final piece of the puzzle fell into place and Zane's mind raced to put all of the pieces together to form a picture. He sank down on the bed and put his hands over his face. _"A parallel universe? No that doesn't fit. The exotic particles the ones that had put all of that old crap all over town, the ones that had put that bullet in Jo's chest, that would only happen if time was collapsing on itself."_ Zane looked up at Jo noticing how worried she now looked. _"Fuck if she or any of the rest of them get caught they're in for a whole shit load of trouble. Time travel, the whole lot of them can get sanctioned for that."_

Zane studied Jo her face a mask of dread and resignation. He watched her eye the bedroom door and quickly stood up placing himself between her and her only means of an exit. "This conversation is far from over Jo." He told her forcefully.

All the anger drained out of Jo, she was tired. Tired of fighting with him, tired of having to constantly pretend she was alright. She eyed him wondering how much damage she would have to inflict to get him out of her way. Before she would have been faced with an angry sarcastic Zane who would back down if threatened now she was facing a Zane that was more than willing to take her on physically. He'd lose but he'd put up a good fight first, a fight she really didn't have the energy for now. "Get out of my way Zane. You have your answers now leave me the hell alone." She left the threat implied but unsaid.

Zane could tell what she was thinking and automatically prepared to defend himself against an attack. He figured he only had one chance at getting Jo to listen to him so he better not screw it up. "The answer about what happened was never as important to me as how it had affected us." He started trying to buy himself some time to finish forming his hypothesis of what the time travel had really meant. If he couldn't get her to believe what he did he'd have a long uphill battle trying to get her to give them a chance.

"Please I know you Zane, you're not happy until you have all the answers." She wasn't willing to give an inch. To do that meant she'd be risking more heartbreak and she just couldn't afford to do that right now.

Zane gave a self-depreciative smirk "True, but I know how to prioritize and what was always most important was the two of us JoJo."

"What us? Do you remember an us, a date, an evening spent quietly together, making up after a fight, anything? Do you remember giving me that ring? No you don't because there was no us." Jo replied all the pain of what she'd lost ringing clearly in her voice. Jo looked down at the floor and wondered why she was still there talking to him. It didn't change anything, it wouldn't change what had happened.

Zane closed the distance between them, placing a finger under her chin he raised her head up to look at him. He needed the beautiful but incredibly stubborn woman standing in front of him to believe what he was about to say. If she didn't he wasn't sure he'd ever get through to her. "Listen to me, just listen to what I have to say before making any decisions." She didn't say anything just continued to stand there looking at him so he continued "No I don't remember any of that and we could have a whole separate conversation about how much that fucking pisses me off, but you do remember. I understand that for you it must have been like you were suddenly presented with an evil twin but, that's not what happened, there aren't two of me out there in the universe. You, all of you, changed things with what you did. You didn't travel to a whole new world Jo, you changed the one you've always lived in."

Zane pulled Jo over to the bed and gently pushed her to sit down. Kneeling in front of her he took her hands in his and looked at her intently all of his emotions reflected in his eyes "I may not remember any of those things you mentioned, but I am the man that gave you that ring. I know I'm different than what you remember, you're different from my memories too. What hasn't changed, what's not different is us. I've wanted you since I first saw you and from what you said we were together the entire time. The constant in all of this is us, not as individuals, but together. The one thing you didn't change was our desire to be together we proved that this morning. We do fit Jo and we were meant to be." He looked her steadily in the eyes willing her to do what he was about to ask. "Don't give up on me now Jo, don't give up on us." He'd laid it all out there, now all he could do was wait to see how she'd react.

"_Was he right, have I been looking at this all wrong the entire time?"_ Jo tried to sort everything out in her head. She thought about Kevin the other person that had undergone the most dramatic change. Yes Allison had struggled at first with how to deal with the now not autistic teenager, but Allison had never once mourned the loss of her children. No Allison had simply accepted that Kevin was her son, different yes but still her son, not some other Allison's. Could she do that, could she accept that he was her Zane, different but still hers. For the first time in a very long time she started to feel hope. If she didn't take this risk what was she left with but more loney nights. Nights of wanting nothing more than to be with the man right in front of her. She didn't need to think about it, she new what her decision was already.

Jo let a playful smile spread across her face "What's in it for me if I don't give up?"

Zane responded instantly laying her down on the bed kissing her deeply. He poured everything he felt for her, everything he wanted from her and for them into the kiss. Jo quickly and efficiently switched positions with him pinning his arms above his head. She leaned down and whispered "My turn to play."

Both of them knew they were finally where they belonged, with each other.


End file.
